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I feel like my life is in a big tornado of chaos.
I don’t feel safe alone, and by alone I mean not with my boyfriend. And I’m not really okay with that. I feel uneasy in my own house.
And why shouldn’t i? I lie to my parents every single day about 75% of my life. It’s sad. I shouldn’t have to be so scared of them knowing, but I have good reason to be.
But even when I’m with him, it’s not perfect anymore
I can’t let myself sleep with him because I know it will just end in frustration which then ruins the whole time I’m there because I can’t let it go, because all I can do is think about how I’m not enough to make him cum anymore.
I don’t feel comfortable with my future plans of him coming when I leave for college because he’s proven to me yet again today that he cannot save money. And I’m so disappointed in him.
When I want space he just will not give it. When I don’t want to talk he will not let that be an option. We have two complete different methods of dealing with something, and he won’t give me the time that I need before talking about things. It’s extremely frustrating.
I don’t know what I’m doing with myself. I don’t know how to make myself better. All I know is that I’m taking like 5 tylenol pm tonight and maybe I won’t wake up for work. That’d be fantastic.
I remember when my boyfriend found me so irresistible that he’d fuck me 5 times every time we were together. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me. He went and went and went.
Too bad that doesn’t last forever.
I’m not sexy enough anymore, he’s bored with me. He says it’s not that but I don’t believe him. Either there’s someone else or I’m not hot enough. Those are the only two options I will believe. And neither of those are okay with me.tired of crying
tired of worrying
tired of stressing
tired of working
tired of hating
tired of never being enough
if i was enough he wouldn’t hope that i would never leave, he’d know i’d never leave. if i was enough he’d forget about her and having nothing to do with her. if i was enough he’d try to still find a way to make me feel special, without cutting me off completely.
i do want him to save money, but going from being spoiled to paying for all of my own stuff AND his…
hurts.
why does it hurt
why do i feel so empty
why can’t i just give up on myself and sleep forever.
“because i need you forever” is what cory would say i’m sure.
but the problem is that nothing lasts forever.
how will i be able to live in an apartment that is filled with things that used to be in the house that she lived in with him. how will i be able to sit on a couch that i know she used and eat off plates that used to belong to her? how can i live with him knowing that i’m not the first one to, and that i’m just the next person.
i’m not old fashioned, and need to be someones first everything to be happy. but the more i think about this situation. i don’t know if i can let my first be someone’s second for this one.
if i had money id buy new things. new plates and kitchen stuff, i can do. but couches? i cant handle that. and i know he wont. she’d be everywhere in the apartment. i can’t do it.
I bet she’s prettier than me.
I bet she’s skinnier than me.
I bet she’s smarter than me.
I bet she has more going for her than me.
I bet his family liked her more than they like me.
I bet she made him happier than I do.
I bet she didn’t constantly worry about what he thought.
I bet she didn’t have to worry about his past.
I bet she didn’t make him stop doing the things he enjoyed.
I bet she made a bigger impact on him than I did.
I bet she will never be nothing to him.
I bet I’ll never let it go.
I’ve never hated someone that I’ve never talked to, met, or seen before until her. I can’t stand the thought of her. I can’t stand seeing her name. I can’t stand the thoughts that go through my mind about her. I can’t deal with it. It drives me insane. I think about it a lot. Like probably every day.
Seeing her name on the laptop hurts me more than I can really explain. I can throw my promise ring away, delete his number, cut off all contact with him but you can’t take your laptop out of her name? How sweet.
Let me help you sell that laptop. Y’all’s laptop. The one you bought with her. On her card. In her name. With her. ALEESHA. Cute. I hate her and I hate the thought of her. I hate thinking about you with her. I hate knowing you loved her. I hate knowing how long you were with her. I hate that I always wonder how much you still care about her.
I want to go home.
And drown in my sadness in my bed and not talk to you.
I wish you’d stop asking me what’s wrong. You should know.
If I used something that Dameon bought me you would not be happy about it.
“It’s been so long, she shouldn’t matter at all anymore.”
Is what I want to believe, but I know that’s not even close to the truth.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pool time with my boyfriend. And I can’t even begin to describe how wonderful it was.
“Beer” pong, all night long. I am the champion ;). Seriously, so much fun, I love playing with that boy so much it was a blast. Volleyball for hours, sore arms and lots of laughs. Our pretty new ball and our record of 100 consecutive passes :).
The icy water was a bit of a bummer but we still got in a little bit. He is such a good sport, not retaliating when I splashed him a few times. I love him with every bit of my heart. I can’t wait until it warms up and he teaches me to dive, I know I will have so much fun!
My music was playing the whole time and I will definitely need to put more music on it so the same songs aren’t always playing but they really added to the mood. Dancing with each other a little bit was the cutest thing ever, I can’t stop thinking about it. It was something we’ve never done before, and there wasn’t a lot of it, but it was so perfect. Even just being silly, or swaying back and forth with our bodies pressed together. I am in love with us.
I never thought I could enjoy just laying next to someone so much. Laying out tanning with buggies crawling all over us was perfect because it was next to him. And I could just watch him all day.
His smile melts my heart. His eyes are the most beautiful blue I have ever seen. His body is so beyond sexy, I can’t control myself when I think about it. His hair is adorable. He looks SO damn good in his swimsuit.
Today I walked up to him and let him lick my pussy and it was so hot I couldn’t stop thinking about it afterwards.
I love how intimate we can get. Like in the middle of a game, stopping to make love. Of course alcohol was involved but it only made it hotter.
I love watching tv and cuddling together. Laughing at girl code and holding hands. I love my boy oh my god do I love my boy.
If the last two days were a preview of what this summer is going to be like, I am going to have the best summer of my life. And I wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone else in the entire world. I am so happy with what I have, and I am never letting this go.
My mom is the best. Seriously, she is so good to me. I can’t help but hug her every time I see her. She pays for everything I ask for when it comes to school or something expensive that I can’t handle on my own. She doesn’t use my dads money, she uses her own. She’s paying for my laptop all on her own. She paid for everything for my grad party on her own. She is so caring. She gives money to my brothers all the time without them asking. I love her to death, and I know I don’t show her enough love. She has no idea how much I appreciate her.
I just want to be happy.
With my boyfriend.
The boyfriend I had 6 months ago.
Not the one that doesn’t notice anything about me or pay attention to a word I say.
Not the one that tears up at every word I say.
Not the one that makes me feel like shit every time I open my mouth to say something honest.
I want my relationship back to the happy times, when every chance he got to see me was perfect, rather than every day that I couldn’t bail on something to see him was the worst thing I could have ever done to him.
